I miss him

I miss my big dog.

I'm sitting on my bed

Next year I will be completing my BS. It is in Child Studies. People ask me all the time what I want to do with my life. I shrug my shoulders. I thought that once I got close to completing this that I would feel different. I don't. Looking back I wonder if I was just a fool taking all these classes. My life has shaped me into the person I am today. I am no longer the same person everyone I haven't seen in years thinks I am. I was on the metro the other week and caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection and didn't know who that was. It scared me. I am thirty five and this never happened before. I had plans laid out for thirty five. I was going to be a writer, be famous, well traveled. I am on a different route. Not bad, just different.

Moving, Sidework and finishing school

What a busy bee I have become. Right now as I sit here I thinking about what I have to do next. I really envy those who say they don't have anything to do with their time. I am really tired. I have five classes left till I graduate. The funny thing is that the only thing I will be getting out of this is some extra knowledge and a possible dollar raise. I told years ago that once I get this EVERYTHING will fall into place. It hasn't (well some things have). As soon as I finish moving I can get checked out to start fostercare (which I am pretty excited about). I also took a class on Saturday to try out voice over work. I don't know if his is an addiction or I am slowly losing my mind. I come up with these ideas and people either stare at me or just go along. I think I am on a path but I am not sure where.

I just bought a townhouse and some chairs. It is beautiful. I am still in my apartment but sloooowwwly moving my way in. The beagle is sleeping and I think I might join her. I limit my sleep just to wear off my headaches and then finish some more work. Split shift still. I am wondering how long this will last.

The Giant Butterfly

Every once in a while I look for signs from God that I am on the right path. On this day I believe I found it. I was going to get my mail when hanging on my box was this giant butterfly. She looked very tired and it seemed as though she couldn't go anymore. I thought about bringing her in my house, putting her on my wall since it seemed she was going to die but instead let her live out her last moments in my garden. I wondered where she had come from or where she had been. I wondered if she knew she was old or just clueless about her surroundings. I sat there and stared. It was the biggest most beautiful creature I had seen. She then flew away. I guess none of that mattered after all

Why everyone is afraid of a very small beagle

Maya is my beagle. Every morning we take a walk around the neighborhood and every morning all the other dogs walk on the other side of the street. Why would you ask that everyone in this neighborhood is afraid of an extra small beagle. Maya's way of greeting these other dogs is biting them in the lip. She has bit dogs that are bred to train lions, she has bit dogs that walk with the deaf. Maya has bit both big and small she really doesn't have a preference. The only dog she does not bite is Cinnamon. She is like Maya, a very small dog. This is her best friend. Cinnamon is the mayor of this town. She makes sure all the other dogs stay in line.  This is her friend. Did I mention Maya is afraid of very tall people?

http://www.realgoods.com/product/home-outdoor/water-quality-conservation/conservation/rain+barrel+and+diverter.do I am also in the market of getting one of these to convert rain water. Have to try to do my part!!!!

I wanted to share a really cool site also

http://www.flickr.com/photos/benimoto/603813014/This igloo is a much smaller version of what I wanted to build. I think I might go in this direction.

September 28 is our closing

On September 28 it will be official. I am a home owner. That's right people me, who didn't know that homes were anything but row until I was 16 will have one of my own. This brings up some problems though. Because I am a homeowner does this mean I have to entertain? Anyone who knows me for any length of time will tell you I am not a huge people person. This becomes a problem because it is not seen that I have anxiety issues but just really selfish. This also brings up wall colors. Do I have to "grow up" and paint my house taupe when I really want it Hello Kitty Pink?  I am known for starting projects and not finishing them, so maybe I will only have half a fence. Anyway, I am going to be a homeowner. My dreams of living in a tree house made of milk cartons is slowly fading away.

I would like to tell you the story of Maya. We found Maya two years ago. She was a 10 pound beagle that was abused and left in the park to die. Maya lived in the bushes and every day the ducks would bring her food. But as we all know Beagles eat more than bread. Maya was brought to the shelter and sat there for 2 weeks. No one wanted her. They called her the ugliest dog in the pound and she gave up. I was volunteering there and spotted her. They had me take her right away because she was getting depressed. I brought her home to be a great addition to the dog I already had but he was dying. Maya knew this, sensed it before anyone else. We are grateful that she is part of our family. It's funny what people see as trash. She's sleeping right now. She weighs 18 pounds. We love her very much.

I wanted to add something before I went to sleep tonight. It's something that been on my mind and I just wanted to put these thoughts into text. I don't expect anyone to read this. I've been on a journey for a while now. I moved to Maryland when I was 23 and continued to move around a bit. Like everyone else I've had some bumps in the road. But now that I am older I feel like I don't have to accept what ever perception people have of me. I am 5 classes away from getting my degree and yet by some people I am treated as thought things in my mind are mentally unsound. So far I thought this degree would make a difference but it hasn't. It's just a piece of paper. I can't change who I am. I just can't. I just wanted to write this down. It's been bothering me.

Happy 10th Wedding Anniversary I love you

So Today I felt really cheap at CVS

I went to CVS to buy some discount things for school. I bought some bubbles, balls ect. When I got home I noticed I was overcharged 12.00 after saving 45.00. I still decided to go back and tell this nice man my misfortune. He was very short and said it was to bad. He said I could return the items but that's it. So after getting home I looked at the 12.00 items put them in the bag and return them. He then said he was wrong. Was I cheap?

Today is the first day i am going to talk about me venturing in fostercare

I decided many years after I found out I am not able to have children that I would like to do fostercare. How does someone come to this decision you may ask? After many years of trying to have a child of my own my heart was broken. Time after Time we would time and plan to try to conceive and it just didn't happen. I decided to try to take fertility drugs and then doubled the dose and still nothing. Well I walked around hateful and angry. Angry at women that were pregnant or carrying children. Mad at myself because I wasn't woman enough myself to bring a child into this world. It took me a really long time to come to realize that I was more than just my ovaries and so I started to explore other options. Well fertitilty can cost up to 100,000 and there is no guarantee that it will come to term. I realized that passing my genes onto someone smaller than myself was'nt that important. I looked into adopting over seas and then fostercare. I decided on fostercare. I realize that these children may not stay with me that long and it will be quite an adventure but I'm willing to take the risk. Next week is when I take my first class in preparing on this journey. I will write more as I get more of a map to where this might take me. In this blog I want to go from start to finish to see what it takes to bring a child in my home and how it feels when they have to leave. They handed me a folder with tons of paperwork and questions. In these papers are questions about how I grew up, what I thought about children and then there is the fingerprinting. I AM really scared right now.